My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
