If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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