3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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