When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
