im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
