someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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