i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
