You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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