so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
