i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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