If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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