i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
