When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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