Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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