I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
