I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
