How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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