I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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