Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
