Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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