I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
