he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
