There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
