Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
