totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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