You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
