conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
