If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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