need another drink. this is the easiest way
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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