I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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