Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
