life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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