Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You are the jesus of drinking
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
