omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
