a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Randomize
