Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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