He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
