She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
