I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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