Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
