FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
