My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
