fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
