You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
