Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
this will be a night to untag.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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