someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
