she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize