I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
