If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
