drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
