ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
