Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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