ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
