I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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