I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
